My real life nightmare: A levels

Hi guys,

Guess who is back after almost 3 and a half months. I almost forgot I even had a blog. I actually had doubts on whether I should continue with blogging or delete it. But then I thought, I'll just continue with it. I'm not sure how many of you actually read my blog (if you do, then thanks :) ) but blogging was more like an outlet for me. I did it for myself. It helped me to express my ideas and thoughts and creativity and if anyone of you enjoyed reading them, then I was only more than glad I could be of some use or entertainment to you :)

Well I'm back from my hiatus. I stopped blogging because of A levels. I literally had nothing to blog back then. Everything was so monotonous and dull and really, REALLY hard. It was only just a few months back and I already can't remember how I went through it all. I just remember lots of struggles and laziness and disappointments from prelim results. Everyday was just...

waking up early->going to school->panicking over undone homework->struggling to finish essays->consultations->staying back in school till 8pm->going home->dying on my bed

And the cycle would repeat.

Don't let me fool you though. I sound like I worked oh so hard for my A levels but to be dead honest...I really could have done a lot more than I did. Most of the times, I would be really tired. I would be struggling to stay awake in almost every lesson. Any little break and I would be fast asleep on the table. Yeah by the last lap, I somehow got my wake up call and tried to finish at least some of my homework and essays but my efforts were nothing compared to my classmates and schoolmates. They were like essay machines. They were prepared with every outlines and essays during tutorials. I really don't know how they did it. But I always wished I could be as motivated as them. But I wasn't. Some days, I just gave up. I didn't do anything. Yeah I consulted my teachers, but I don't know how much that helped me. I hated writing essays. A LOT. So I mostly relied on reading notes and model essays and making my own notes to learn rather than practice by writing essays, which I'm sure has cost me a lot for A levels because my time management was absolute shit.

Well...then A levels started. God, was every paper torturous to go through. 3 hours. All of them. Hundreds of hands racing against time to produce the best answers possible. My hand being one of them, shaking in fear... and because of the cold in the hall. The paper would end, everyone would stand up with this ambiguous smile on their face dying to discuss the answers. And I would just rush out of the hall, take my bag, run out of the school, catch the first 168 bus I see and come back home. Music blasting in my ears to maximum volume so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone. For 3 weeks, it went on like this. How did I do overall? I would say ok. I did screw up some papers like Lit and econs and it was expected. I hated both of those subjects and I couldn't make myself work hard for them. History paper 1 was tragic because I didn't study the topics that came out very well but History paper 2 was pretty ok. But on a bullshitting scale from 1 to 10, I'd say my bullshitting level was about a 10 for almost all my H2 papers. Lol fuck?

I honestly don't know how my results are going to be. I'm hoping to get a C at least for everything but nothing is certain. Yeah I know, you must be thinking at this point "Is this girl for real? She probably won't even make it to uni" Yeah maybe there's a chance, I won't make it to uni. But I realized, life doesn't end there. There's a lot of other options available. Well, to begin with, I can always retake my As. Hopefully I don't have to because it would SUCK to go through that torture all over again for another year but it still is one of my options I guess. Another would be to choose alternative paths that does not require academic rigour. This one is my 1st option. You maybe wondering why? Well, I realized in JC itself that I do not want to go to the usual NUS or NTU and do some boring ass degree that I have no interest in just because it sounds cool or makes me sound smart. I made up my mind that I cannot have a JC part 2 in my life again. I already regretted choosing JC because I was too much of a coward to choose something different. I went to JC, took the subjects that I absolutely hated ( I swear I did not even like ONE subject in that place) and look what that gave me eventually -> anxiety, sadness and it made me feel like I'm the stupidest person alive. Why? Just because I couldn't write as good essays as other kids could? Because I couldn't understand how the economy works, what the poems and dramas meant? Because I could not memorise the hundreds and hundreds pages worth of historical events that happened because people in the past fucked up? 
I told myself that even if (by some stroke of luck) I managed to get good enough grades to get into a uni, I wouldn't go there. Because none of the courses there appealed to me. So what alternative paths did I have in mind? I had always loved art. I remember in sec 2, I didn't take Art as my O level subject because I chose to take Pure Sciences and Additional Maths instead (Mistake number 1). After O levels, I decided to go to JC and do Humanities instead of choosing to go to poly or an Art School for diploma (Mistake number 2) and now to prevent mistake number 3, I have decided that I wanna apply to design schools now that my A levels are over. Don't get me wrong, I'm not choosing designing because I think it's the easy way out. Mind you, designing careers are one of the most competitive streams. You will come across the most talented and critical people there. And there's a lot of work involved. A lot of knowledge to be gained and applied. Yeah maybe to get in to a designing course, your academic requirement is very low but that is because you are largely judged on the portfolio you prepare. It's all based on your talent. You can't memorise your way out in this path.
But I realized this is what I'm meant to do. You know, like how some people just know they're meant to do sports, or be an engineer or be a historian? I just know I'm meant to do something where my creativity can be expressed. Paper and color pencils is my therapy. I want to see my creations come to life. I know there's no escaping from hardwork so if I have to work hard, I'd rather work hard in something I have a passion for. So I hope this answers your question as to why my aim for A levels is so low. 
I have thought of other things as well in case I don't make it for designing courses. And worst case scenario, I don't get accepted anywhere, I will retake my As and make sure I nail my exams the second time round coz I ain't gonna let that second time go to waste.

Anyway, as much as this post served as a reflection for me, if you have just ended A levels too and are worried sick for your results then first, let me wish you all the best for your results, your hardwork will not go to waste. And if you think it didn't go so well, then there are a lot of other paths you can choose. Think about what you're good at, what gives you comfort, if money was not the issue what would you choose to do, what can you do at uni that will allow you to fulfill that dream? Find ways to reach that path, start applying now, a lot of university courses consider a lot of other things other than just your A level grades. And if you wanna get into a course that requires really good grades and you didn't make it, then don't be afraid to retake your As. Would you rather 1 year go to waste or your whole life go to waste doing something you don't like. My dad always told me failures are very normal and we shouldn't be afraid of them or look down upon ourselves because of them. And after facing a failure, you'll always come back stronger.

Basically, my point is, don't think your life will end just because As went badly. It's never the end of the world. There is always a way out. Always.

If you're a junior and your A levels is next year, All the very best to you too. It is definitely not going to be easy. It will be very hard and you will definitely go through a roller coaster of emotions, but hey, we all come out alive at the end and before you know it, trust me, you'll be done with As. Just like that. I won't give you any study tips or exam tips because I am NOT the right person for that hahaha. But umm, I will say that the earlier you start the better. Sounds like an obvious thing but believe me, procrastination level will be too high next year :p So try not to give in to temptations. 

Well anyway, pretty long post here. Feels good to have gotten everything off my chest. Reminded me of why I started blogging in the first place. I'll be back with another post soon. As for now, I'm gonna go try to sleep again.

See ya
Goodnight :)